“For all the time they spend talking
about us, you’d think they’d know us better,” Washingtonian Jack G., 32,
told me when I asked him to share what he thinks women don’t know about
men.
He has a point. The dating
habits of single men are a hot topic for many single women across the
country. There’s much debate and dozens of simple answers to more
obvious questions. But what are guys not telling you? I investigated to
uncover several things you should know in order to help you understand
your dates better.
1. Men like it when a woman makes the first move.
The words “first move” are easily misinterpreted, so let me clarify
things: Making the first move doesn’t entail throwing yourself at a man.
Acknowledging him with eye contact or giving him a smile is definitely a
first move, and guys love the feeling of being flirted with by a woman.
Hopefully, most men can pick up the ball and run with it after that
first flirty signal.
2. It’s OK to play hard to get — but avoid those stale, old-school tactics. Surely
you’ve heard this old wives’ tale: To hold a man’s interest, a woman
must play hard to get. Here’s the kicker — men and women may agree on
this, but they define “playing hard to get” differently. You might
interpret it as turning a man down the first time he asks you out or
pretending to ignore him when he walks by, as if such behavior is a
turn-on. Ladies, frankly, for most of us, it doesn’t work that way;
instead, it’s simply frustrating. Successfully playing hard to get works
like this: once a man knows there’s at least a flicker of mutual
interest, you get coy. You genuinely smile at him and then look away.
You acknowledge his sexual advances while holding them at bay. It’s all
about setting your pace and what works for you. You might be busy one
night and can’t go on a date, but offer another day or time to meet up
instead. Treat playing hard to get like an ongoing dance rather than a
yes or no question to be answered.
3. Superficial objectification cuts both ways;
in other words, men want to be loved for more than their provider
status. “Some women complain that guys judge them too harshly for their
looks, as if we’re the only superficial ones,” says 30-year-old John D.
from Florida. “Well, they don’t want to be judged for their looks and I
don’t want to be judged by my bank account. I just stopped seeing a girl
after three weeks because she seemed to think I was loaded and expected
me to pay for everything. I make $45,000 a year. She makes double that.
I was happy to pay for the first couple of dates as a gesture, but
after that, I thought her expectations were unfair.”
4. Men cannot read women’s minds, so speak up if you’re unhappy.
“I can tell when a date is annoyed or not happy about something,” says
35-year-old Jay A., a Virginia resident. “But if she expects me to know
what she’s thinking without telling me, it’s a futile waste of time for
both of us. And then I get annoyed.”
5. Men are more sensitive about the way they look than you think.
Do men worry what you think about their weight, clothes and overall
style? Yep. Men don’t get a pass on all that anymore. Now they know what
it’s been like for you ladies to live under the cultural microscope all
these years, constantly being judged by your physical appearance. The
difference is that men probably won’t tell you how self-conscious they
are about it. They’re not going to ask you if their jeans accentuate
their love handles or wonder if their hair looks cool… but they’ll be
thinking about it. So say something nice about how he looks and — if the
man has any brains at all — expect him to return the favor when you ask
if your butt looks fat in your outfit. (By the way, no. It never does.)
6. Excessive communications drama can push men away.
“When I call or text a girl, I feel this huge expectation from the
other side of the phone line,” says 25-year-old Tyler W. from Maryland.
“Does it mean I want to be her boyfriend? Not always.” Sometimes guys
are just calling you to talk; it’s a telecommunications version of
“hanging out” together. Don’t be overly offended if there’s occasional
multitasking involved, either, especially if the guy is at work
(occasional being the key word here). It’s OK to be miffed if he’s a
serial offender who never gives you his full attention, though.
7. Saying “I love you” is a huge step for a guy.
Everybody wants to hear “I love you” at some point. But copping to
those three little words is arguably a bigger step for men than women
and it isn’t uttered lightly. Rushing a man makes him worry that you are
more in love with the idea of being in love with someone — anyone —
than paying attention to what’s really happening between the two of you.
8. It means something when a man introduces you to his friends.
Long, lingering dates and cocooning together at home are wonderful in
the early days of any relationship, but there comes a point where
integration — or, more specifically, the lack of it — into a man’s life
can signal that this guy doesn’t see you as his girlfriend. If you’re
still spending all your time alone together with nary a friend or family
member of his in sight after a few months, don’t get confused: you’re
having some kind of an affair, not a relationship.
